I’m tired. No, exhausted. I should be in bed right now but I can’t bring myself to give in to my weighted eyelids. The yearning within me for solitude is much greater than that weight. It’s 12:30am and this is the only sliver of time I have found for myself today. It’s the only sliver of time I have found for my work today, too, but more importantly it’s the only moment I’ve had alone, in silence, completely by myself, for too long. I am an extrovert, no doubt, but even I need a moment to collect my thoughts and refuel my creativity far more than homeschooling an eight year old sometimes allows.
Don’t get me wrong: I love my life. I love the relationship that I am in, I love my child, I love being a photographer and I am happy and confident in all of the choices that I have made in regards to raising Noah Sage. I’m happy. I’m fulfilled. I might struggle physically, financially and emotionally as I try to precariously balance my work, parenting, homeschooling, and relationship all while trying to keep some semblance of sanity and some sense of self…but I don’t ever doubt that where I’m at is exactly where I want to be. I own this life. But shit, cut a mama a break. A solitary break that is long enough so that I can recharge my self…that part of me that makes me ME.
Noah and I just finished reading the third book in the Septimus Heap series. In the book, a magic “Seek” spell has been placed upon Septimus’ dragon so that he can find Septimus when he’s gone missing. The only problem is that, until an “unseek” has been done, Septimus finds that his dragon is nearly walking on his heals all day, every day, breathing fire down the back of his neck the whole time. I feel like Septimus Heap right now, with a “Seeking” dragon breathing down my neck. Let’s just spare the details and say that Noah was NOT ok with falling asleep without me by his side tonight. To the point that he was nearly falling asleep at the kitchen table, opposite of me, as I sat at my laptop trying to edit photos. To the point that after I tried to cuddle with him again until he was SNORING and he still woke back up and came back to the kitchen for another showdown. To the point that I snapped and yelled at him. He crumbled. He sat in the bathroom crying until he finally went back to bed and collapsed into a deeply, emotionally exhausted sleep. Tonight, my needs have forced themselves front and center for once.
I pride myself on having the patience of Mother Theresa most days. I mean, yesterday I was whacked in the head with a golf club, butterflied my face back together and STILL called it a good day. Today was a good day, too. But tonight, I feel smothered. I feel choked. I just simply need me. I don’t want to be touched, I don’t want to be needed. I don’t want to think about or care about anyone else but ME. For just once today. So I stay up until the wee hours of the night, when everyone else sleeps soundly. Finally. It’s just me.