Silver Dagger

I had a Skype date with Noah tonight. We told jokes and laughed. We had a dance party to Harry Belafonte, Bobby Darin and Fred Astaire. We read and we listened to Gillian Welch. We gave cyber hugs a lot, which aren’t nearly as good as the real thing.

Something that I always notice when he’s at his dads: the fact that he’s almost ALWAYS in blue…and typically with some stereotypical “boy” identifier on his shirt: a truck, a football, a Star Wars character, another truck. Aside from the Star Wars characters, this is so different from the Noah that I know. But, then again, he doesn’t get to dress himself at his dad’s. He’s 6 1/2 and still doesn’t get that choice. Is it that there’s such a great fear of what he will look like if he’s given the opportunity to choose for himself, and how that would reflect on his dad in public?

Noah and I had recently found several articles of clothing in the boys section of stores that have a rather generous amount of pink in each of them. Ever hopeful, we asked his dad if he would be allowed to wear them since they were specifically from the boys section. The response we got was “Sure.” While it didn’t sound promising, being optimistic we packed them. Just in case. He’s been cross-country for nearly two weeks now and, while we’ve only Skyped four times, and I’ve only seen what he’s wearing those four times, I’m willing to lay down every penny that I have and bet that not a single article of clothing has come out of Noah’s bag.

I know how it feels to have restrictions placed on what I wear and how I look. I know what it’s like to eventually rebel against that and free myself from those constraints. I know what it does to Noah’s spirit. I can see it, I can feel it. And it hurts my soul, but probably not as much as it does his. And what’s really sad is that his dad knows what that feels like, too. He’s a grown man and his mother STILL tells him how he should look. And he STILL does what she says. I’m not that kind of mom, and I’m not raising that kind of man. No. That’s not how we roll. If it were, my life with my son would look a hell of a lot different. And not in a good way.

So is it really that important to create a wedge between yourself and your child at such an early age because (s)he is not a mirror image of yourself? Is your ego really so fragile that you need a mini-me to feel worthy? Would it crush your man pride to have a gentle, sensitive child who walks his own path freely and not follow in your every footstep? Really? Well grow up. To every single self-serving parent out there: Grow the fuck up.

I will take my child just the way he came to me. I will embrace him for exactly who he is, not for some bullshit egotistical vision of who I think he should be. They are here to teach us a thing or two and, damn it, I’m going to learn. And because of that, I hope that our relationship always looks just the way it does now: strong, loving and respectful.

And for my sweet little boy, here’s your favorite Gillian Welch song, Silver Dagger. As I go to sleep tonight, I’ll be singing this to myself and dreaming of holding you tight.

Kisses, snuggles and hugs.

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This entry was published on 22 June 2012 at 4:06 am and is filed under Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post.

9 thoughts on “Silver Dagger

  1. He will just have to put in some extra cape wearing and super suit time when he gets home. I love Noah’s super suit.

  2. Love this!! Should I send Noah’s dad pics of my 12.5 year old with his pink shirts and his purple Willie Wonka type hat? Caleb’s favorite thing about wearing pink is that he knows it breaks from the norm and that it may make people talk. That he is secure enough in his own skin to tell other 11-12 boys that make fun of him “What are you talking about? Real men wear pink, and by the way, why does it make you uncomfortable?” makes me feel like I’m doing my job well. {{{HUGS}}}

  3. I just have to say I’ve been reading your blog ever since the Women’s Midwest Mountain Biking Clinic. Love your photography, love the way you write and love the photos of your son. 🙂 Also, I just have to say… I had never heard of Gillian Welch before! But I listened to Silver Dagger and I used an old iTunes gift card to buy the album. Thank you and Noah for bringing her beautiful music (definitely my style) into my life. Maybe I’ll see you two on the trails one day.

    • So sweet…thank you for the kind words! And *definitely* glad we can share the beauty of Gillian Welch with others, she’s our favorite. Hit us up anytime you need riding partners, we’re always out there! :O)
      Also…WOW! I just took a peek at your blog and, while I haven’t checked to see what’s vegan, I’m sure going to be borrowing some of those recipes! Your food photography is pretty great, too!

      • Oh, thank you so much, from one (professional – you) photographer to another (amateur – me :)! There are some vegetarian recipes I’ve done that may be vegan or easily veganize-able. I have a love affair with Heidi Swanson from 101 Cookbooks so I make a lot of her recipes (which are all vegetarian)!

  4. I’ve learner to use my tears sparingly, lest I let the hateful bits of this world dehydrate me, but I cannot keep myself from tearfully rereading this post over and over.

    Thank you. Thank you so much. For loving your child any way he comes, for accepting the needs of others to bend the rules of who we “should ” be, and for sharing it all where others may find it to draw courage from.

    Thank you, thank you, thank you. You give me hope that one day I’ll be okay, one day I ‘ll find people like you, your son, and myself. Thank you.

    • Thank you SO much for your comment, and I’m glad that you find comfort in our blog. Something that I have learned along the way, for myself, is that I cannot live my life trying to make others happy and trying to meet their expectations of how to live my own life. I am a much happier person now that I stopped placing those unreasonable expectations upon myself, and stopped trying to please other people while sacrificing my own happiness. My hopes are that I can circumvent that whole issue with Noah and teach him to love himself just the way he is, and others…those who are worthy of him…will love him unconditionally as well.

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